A week or so ago, friends, I was poking around Awful Library Books, and I stumbled across a reference to what appeared to be a made-up title:Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy: A Child’s Book About Satanic Ritual Abuse.

“Surely this can’t be real,” I thought to myself, racing to my library’s catalog.

Surprise!Not only was it real, but we owned it!We owned the entire series!And I was going to read them aaaaaaaaall!!



I didn’t actually read them all.But I read a few of them, and you, my Goodreads neighbors, are in for a treat.

Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy, though, was 100% the worst, so I’m posting it first.

So what we have here is a completely incomprehensible series of events that… maybe would make sense if I had been ritually abused? But the casual reader usually likes to have a series of events that can be rationally followed, step by step, and instead every page of this book was another Random Terrible Thing That Maybe Happened To Your Child.(Little Suzy doesn't like chicken any more?!She must be worshipping the Dark Lord!)And all with classy colored-pencil illustrations that really bring out the vacant eyes of the children.

Oh look, here we are, dropping little Allison off at day care.Look at all those American flags!Surely these are wonderful people, despite their Supernatural-esque coal black eyes and apparent obsession with alien rabbit wall hangings.



What’s that, sweetie?You’re Satan’s bride now?That is a fun-sounding game!



Allison is clearly a fucking drama queen, am I right?



“JESUS CHRIST!SHE BIT THE DOG!”

Note to Readers:I don’t know what that weird stain is, but it permeated several pages of the book.I blame the devil.



And then of course it turns out that while you thought you were leaving your child at a reputable American day care run by reputable American folks, it really was a demon cult / pornography studio where they brainwashed and then molested your baby and also made her fear the number six.As happens.

(Note the incorrect directional placement of the pentagram.It’s as though the author doesn’t actually know anything about Satanists, but that can’t possibly be truuuuueeeeeee.)



I should probably note at this point that apparently in the eighties and nineties, this was actually a thing?

And the country was seized day care sex abuse hysteria fueled by guilty mothers panicked about going back to work and leaving their children with potentially perverted strangers, resulting in the imprisonment of dozens of people who have subsequently been found not guilty after years in jail?

Were other people aware of this, and I just missed it because I was actually in day care at the time (sacrificing rabbits and filming naked videos in the Magic Room, naturally)?

It all makes for a fascinating read—I feel like there should be a coping book about dealing with the fact that you DIDN'T sexually abuse children but were locked up for it anyway because kids can easily be coerced into reporting absolutely anything on the witness stand if they think that's what the grown-ups want to hear.

Oh, anyway.Terrible book.Yep.