The Ten Things You NEVER Want In A Romance Novel... And they are ALL in this book.

The top ten countdown is as follows:

10) Non-traditional sexual preferences being the distinction of a villain.

9) Having one character "ruined" if she was manhandled by a bad guy, but another isn't, even when she shows up half naked with a stranger.

8) "Love scenes" between a 60 and 65 year old man and woman who spend the whole time talking about the main characters.

7) "Love scenes" involving a secondary 20 something year old woman and either a) her lover whom she hopes will impregnate her so that she can pass said child off as her 80 something year old husband's heir or b) said 20 something year old woman and her 80 something year old husband.

6) Not having the characters "flesh out" their differences at SOME point in the book, if you get what I mean. The be-all, end-all of a novel should not be the culmination of a sexual relationship — there really should be more to it than that.

5) Having the "innocent" and "inexperienced" woman have to practically force the man to either a) marry her or b) be intimate with her in any meaningful way.

4) Having the main character spend countless pages obsessing over erectile dysfunction. What, they didn't have Viagra, huh? Oooookay. And this is romantic, how?

3) Anal sex between secondary characters. Look, it's not like I think it's gross or disgusting (really — I'm an open minded person), but it's not what the general public usually wants or expects.

2) Non consensual touching/pseudo rape. Rape is never, ever erotic. It was bad enough in her other books, but it's getting a bit repetitive, dontcha ya think?

And finally, the #1 thing that you should NEVER, EVER include in your romance novel (drum roll, please)...

1) References to the main character's genitalia in the following manner: "shy little member", "cooked carrots", a "dog's tail tucked between its legs" or a "cowering maiden".

If I could give it zero stars I would.